Explore, Create, Inquire, Seek, Share, Learn

That’s the beginning of a song I’ve started and left in a journal and started again and stored in a drawer. It’s not bad. May need a lower key, though it feels so good to sing high notes. Some people find it grating I suppose. Some people find me grating, do I care? Sometimes.

Depression is burdensome. Everyone has kind suggestions that they think will help, and I try most of them. You would be shocked at how much I’ve spent over many years trying to just stay alive. I could probably retire well on some of that expense. Shocked.

Actually, that’s been suggested too. Treatment resistant depression is a chronic, potentially terminal illness. When someone doesn’t achieve remission after two trials of different medications, drugs that work for other people with depression, we’re considered treatment resistant. Well, I mean, I’m not resisting treatment. This illness is resistant to treatment.

I’ve been on over ten medications, by themselves and in combinations. I’m on a couple now that keep me able to work and have insurance so that I can afford the treatments that enable me to work and not die. Also, I practice yoga daily, go outside, pet animals, connect with other humans, avoid substances, journal, pay for this workshop or that yoga class, and it has all kept me above ground.

People don’t like it when I say their new herb or energy treatment or cleanse won’t work because they have had good results. I promise I’ve tried so many different things, I’m ready to stop trying and just be fucking mopey.

So, Ketamine infusion treatments work. Why don’t I just do that? They’re expensive and not covered by insurance. Going for more treatments means I have to either move to or go stay in a city where there is a clinic, pay for lodging, ensure transport to and from the sessions, and know that even with all this expense, it’s not permanent. It might be, if I go back enough times, consistently over a year or so.

Treatments for depression have mostly focused on only a few neurotransmitters. Our moods and well-being are supported and modulated by interactions among neurotransmitters, hormones, electrical currents, circuitry, environment, community, nourishment, hydration, climate… And so on. There will never be a perfect fix. I’ve tried.

Maybe I’ll start a niche-market webcam. Middle aged curvy woman sitting extremely still, typing, and drinking excessive amounts of coffee. Probably not. I don’t really like pics and videos of myself.

Update: seeking more help today. It’ll all work out.